When I was a ventriloquist, I not only wrote my own jokes, but I would also buy a lot of joke books (from bookstores, yard sales, etc.). It is impossible to present you with all the jokes I have. But, as I find jokes I enjoy, I will try to present them to you based on author, category or whatever. I also realize that my sense of humor might not mesh with yours. So please bear (pun intended) with me because I've tried to post jokes that do not offend but amuse.

 Tips For Telling A Joke

(From Best Jokes and Cartoons from Scholastic Magazine)
Edited By Patricia Lauber
Copyright 1955 by Teen Age Books

1. Make sure you know the joke and can get it straight before you tell it.

2. Keep it short and sweet.

3. Avoid telling one joke after another, and give others a chance to tell a joke.

4. Jokes are suppose to be funny, not hurt someone's feelings.

5. Learn to tell a joke without laughing until you are finished.

Follow these rules and the audience will be yours till Niagara Falls!

 

Below are graphical links to some specialized joke pages.
More jokes and riddles are scattered below these links on this page.

 

JOKES

Buzz: "First I got tonsilitis, followed by appendicitis and pheumonia. After that I got erysipelas with hemachromatosis. Following that I got poliomyelitis and finally ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations."

Butch: "Boy you had a time!"

Buzz: "I'll say! I thought I'd never pull through that spelling test."

Student: "I hear that fish is brain food."

Roomate: "Yeah, I eat it all the time."

Student" "Another theory disproved."

Marty: "He was kicked out of school for cheating!"

Wade: "How come?"

Marty: "He was caught counting his ribs in a biology exam."

Dancer: "Say, can't you stretch the music a little longer -- just a dance or two more?

Band Leader: "Sorry, Sir. This isn't a rubber band."

Two women were preparing to board an airliner. One of them turned to the pilot and said, "Now, please don't travel faster than sound. We want to talk."

She: "How gracefully that man over there eats corn on the cob!"

He: "Yes. He used to be a piccolo player in the Marine Band."

Sergeant (after a War Game): "Private Jones, didn't you realize you were exposing yourself to an imaginary enemy only 250 yards away?"

Private Jones: "That's right, Sergeant. I was standing behind that imaginary rock 25 feet high!"

"As we have learned," said the teacher, "the former ruler of Russia was called a Czar, and his wife was called a Czarina. Now who can tell me what the Czar's children were called?"

A little boy at the back of the class piped up and said, "Czardines!"

"Now boys," said the teacher, "tell me the signs of the zodiac. You first Tommy."

"Taurus, the Bull."

"Right. Now you Harry, another one."

"Cancer the Crab."

"Right again. Now Sammy it's your turn."

The boy looked puzzled, hesitated a moment and then blurted out, "Mickey the Mouse!"

Teacher: "Can you give me an example of wasted energy?"

Willy: "Yes, ma'am, telling a hair-raising story to a bald-headed man."

Teacher: "Give me a sentence with an object."

Pupil: "You're very beautiful, teacher."

Teacher: "What's the object?"

Pupil: "A good grade!"

Teacher: "Give me an example of a collective noun."

Student: "Garbage can."

An English teacher, troubled by the unwillingness of boys in her class to take any interest in composition, attempted to arouse them by asking for a description of a baseball game. It was a fortunate idea for most of the boys were eager to tell what they knew about the sport.

Only one lanky fellow disappointed the teacher's hopes. He chewed on his pencil for a few moments before he scratched a few words and turned in his paper. On the paper he wrote ..."Rain. No Game."

A duck, a frog and a skunk wanted to go to the movies. The admission was one dollar. Which one of the three couldn't afford to go?

Answer: The skunk. Why?

The duck had a bill. The frog had a greenback. But the skunk only had a scent.

Flora: "And when rain falls, does it ever get up again?"

Dora: "Oh yes, in dew time."

Ike: "You say Tony gave up his job as traveling salesman just to please his wife?"

Mike: "Yes, it seems she wanted her Tony home permanent."

Question: "What is a Hot Dog?"

Answer: "A Hot Dog is the noblest of all dogs, because it feeds the hand that bites it."

Mary had a little watch

She swallowed it, it's gone.

Now everywhere that Mary walks

"Time Marches On."

Jim: "I can't get along with her. All she does is ignore me."

Tim: "Ignore you?"

Jim: "Yes- and if there's anything I hate, it's IGNORANCE."

THE ONCE OVER

 

That This!

Is Like

When Girl

You Pretty

Look A

At

(read down and up by words)
ie. That is when you look at
a pretty girl like this!

  

 

There were three stores in a row. One day the first store owner in the row put up a sign reading, "FIRE SALE." Then the third man in the row put up a sign reading, "BANKRUPTCY SALE."

The man in the middle surveyed his neighbor's signs for a while and then came out with one of his own which read: "MAIN ENTRANCE."

A magician seeking bookage at Radio City Music Hall asserted, "I've got a trick that will panic them."

"What is it?" asked the manager.

"I saw a woman in half," announced the magician proudly.

"You call that a new trick? Scoffed the manager. "Why they've been doing that around here for years."

"Oh yeah, "snapped the magician. "but LENGTHWISE?"

 A second grade teacher tells us that the Women's Lib movement is reaching down into the grade schools. The girls refuse to answer questions when Dick has more apples than Jane.

Teacher: Can you tell me one year and the number of tons of coal shipped out of the United States in that year?
Student Raises his hand: "Yes, I can. The year is 1498 and there the number of tons is zero!"

It was a bright spring morning and 4 high school students decided to play hookey. They didn't arrive at school until after lunch and told the teacher as their excuse that their car had a flat tire. (Remember the days when you had to walk and take the bus? These kids have their own cars today!) Anyway, back to the story... To their relief, the teacher just smiled and said, "You boys missed a little quiz this morning. Please take seats apart from one another and get out your pencils and paper."

When the boys were seated at their desks (far apart), the teacher said, "OK, now each of you is to write an essay on WHICH tire was flat and how you fixed it."

"SIGN IN SCHOOL CAFETERIA:  
Shoes Are Required To Eat in the Cafeteria.
A student then wrote below:
Socks Can Eat Wherever They Want.

In the old days if a college student went to the dean's office it meant the student was in trouble. Today it means the dean is in trouble.

"Senior Citizen: "How did you like school when you were young?"
Second Senior Citizen: "I stood in the corner so much that I developed a triangular forehead."

Teacher: What is Neoplatonism?
Student: That's easy. Strawberry, Chocolate and Vanilla Ice Cream in layers.

"A good executive is a man who will share all the credit with the man who really did all the work.

 

RIDDLES

By Josepeh Leeming
Copyrighted 1954

What is the most difficult train to catch?

The 12:50, because it's 10 to 1 if you catch it.

What tongue can wag and yet never utter a word?

The tongue of your shoe.

What's smaller than an ant's mouth?

What the ant eats.

What is the only thing you can break when you say it's name?

Silence.

Where can everyone always find money when they look for it?

In the dictionary.

What is the difference between here and there?

The letter "t".

When does a joke become a father?

When the catch line becomes apparent (a parent).

Dictionary of Nations

What nation is a fortune-telling nation? Divination

What nation is tough on rats? Extermination

What nation is a fanciful nation? Imagination

What nation is dreaded by students? Examination

What nation is a religious nation? Denomination

What nation is one of the most resolute nations? Determination

What nation is a dramatic nation? Impersonation

What nation is one that has come to an end? Termination

What nation is the crazy nation? Hallucination

What nation is a political nation? Nomination

What nation is a bewildered nation? Consternation

What nation is one that travelers often want? Destination

What nation is a disliked nation? Abomination

What nation is a teacher's nation? Explanation

What nation is a very bright nation? Illumination

What nation is a learning nation? Inclination

What nation produces the greatest number of marriages? Fascination

What nation scatters things far and wide? Dissemination

What nation is a tyrant? Domination

What nation is a very unfair nation? Discrimination

What nation is a scheming nation? Machination

What nation is at the peak? Culmination

What nation is a lazy nation? Procrastination

What nation is a disrespectful nation? Insubordination

What word of six letters contains six words besides itself, without transposing any of its letters?

Answer: Herein = he, her, here, ere, rein, in

In what common word, does the letter 0 sound like the letter I?

Answer: Women

Name two words that begin with P, in which the P is silent?

Answer: Psalms and Pneumonia

Name three common words containing the letter B in which the B is silent?

Answer: Doubt, Debt, Subtle

What word, by changing the position of one letter, turns into its opposite?

Answer: United = Untied

What word is it from which the whole may be taken and yet some will be left?

Answer: Wholesome

What word of five letters has only one left when two letters are removed?

Answer: Stone = (St)one.

What word in the English language contains all the vowels?

Answer: Unquestionably

In a certain word the letter L is in the middle, in the beginning, and at the end. There is only one L in this word. What is this peculiar word?

Answer: inland = "in" is in the beginning

"L" is in the middle (and only one L)

"and" is at the end.

What word in the English Language contains the greatest number of letters?
It's some chemical with 1,185 letters:  Scroll horizontal to see them all.

acetylseryltyrosylserylisoleucylthreonylserylprolylserylglutaminylphenylalanylvalylphenylalanylleucylserylserylvalyltryptophylalanylaspartylprolylisoleucylglutamylleucylleucylasparaginylvalylcysteinylthreonylserylserylleucylglycylasparaginylglutaminylphenylalanylglutaminylthreonylglutaminylglutaminylalanylarginylthreonylthreonylglutaminylvalylglutaminylglutaminylphenylalanylserylglutaminylvalyltryptophyllysylprolylphenylalanylprolylglutaminylserylthreonylvalylarginylphenylalanylprolylglycylaspartylvalyltyrosyllysylvalyltyrosylarginyltyrosylasparaginylalanylvalylleucylaspartylprolylleucylisoleucylthreonylalanylleucylleucylglycylthreonylphenylalanylaspartylthreonylarginylasparaginylarginylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylvalylglutamylasparaginylglutaminylglutaminylserylprolylthreonylthreonylalanylglutamylthreonylleucylaspartylalanylthreonylarginylarginylvalylaspartylaspartylalanylthreonylvalylalanylisoleucylarginylserylalanylasparaginylisoleucylasparaginylleucylvalylasparaginylglutamylleucylvalylarginylglycylthreonylglycylleucyltyrosylasparaginylglutaminylasparaginylthreonylphenylalanylglutamylserylmethionylserylglycylleucylvalyltryptophylthreonylserylalanylprolylalanylserine
*Note: This was sent to us by Raven Mouton

2nd longest word: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (45 letters!!!)
*Note: This was sent to us by Kelly Callihan.  And, Brownielocks can NOT say this  ventriliqually at all. :(

*Note: Alternate spelling is with a "K" not a "C" at the end.

Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis

3rd longest word: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious (34 letters)
*Note: Brownielocks can say that ventriliqually too! :)

4th longest word: Hyperpolysyllabicsesquipedalianist ( 34 letters)
5th  longest word  Floccinaucinihilipilification (29 letters)
6th longest word:   Antidisestablishmentarianism (28 letters)
Updated information on longest words, 2nd and 4th were sent in email from Arthur Brachmann from Nashville, TN 
Correction on 3rd longest word from James Wood.Thanks!

 

What is the longest word in the English language?

Answer: Smiles --- because there is a "mile" between its first and last letter.

We Hope We Made You Smile!

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