and The 3 Bears
Over 300 of the funniest
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What do you call the secretary to a monster?
How do ghosts buy stocks?
Where do ghosts buy their sheets?
What type of fish did the ghost catch?
What makes a vampire cough?
What do ghouls usually
order at Long John Silvers?
What college do ghosts usually graduate from?
What's a vampire's
favorite nursery rhyme?
What did the ghost say to the homeless fiend sitting on the corner?
What is a vampire's favorite Christmas carol?
Where do vampires go to camp out?
What does a husband vampire say to flatter his wife?
What happens when a
witch flies faster than her broom?
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
What do Ghouls and
Demons have in common?
What branch of the military service do spooks serve in?
Who did Frankenstein
take to the prom?
What kind of dog does Dracula have?
Why didn't Dracula ever get married?
Where do you take a
ghost to get him repaired if he backs into a power lawn mower?
How do you make a witch scratch?
subject in school does a Witch usually get A's in?
What do you get when
you take the middle out of a hot dog on Halloween night?
Where should you send
mail to a ghost?
Who wrote the recent
best-seller about haunted houses?
Why are ghosts very
popular at parties?
Where do you find a
An older brother was
trying to scare his little brother so he asked him to imagine that they were
trapped alone in a haunted house full of ghosts. When he asked him what he
would do, what did the little boy reply?
What is a witch's
Where do goblins go
What does a ghost call his mother and father?
you call a person who poison's Kix?
do vampires keep their money?
you fix a Jack-O-Lantern?
dance did the skeleton win at the Halloween party?
the name of the Mummy's rock group?
the witch get around when her broomstick broke?
The nurse walked into the busy doctor's office and said, "Doctor, the Invisible Man is here." The doctor replied, "Sorry, " I can't see him."
What was the turning point in the young (but lonely) life of Dr. Frankenstein?
side of a haunted house is the scariest?
happened when Dracula saw the deadly rays of the sun?
did the Invisible Man call his mother and father?
isn't afraid to deliver mail to skeletons?
What did the rooster's ghost say every morning at sunrise?
a skeleton's favorite instrument?
can't skeletons play music in church?
does Count Dracula gargle every night?
does Count Dracula say after biting someone's neck?
What do you call 2,000 lbs. of bones?
the difference between zombies and patched jeans?
didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
What animal will you never find in a haunted house?
did the one-eyed jack-o-lantern wear over it's bad eye?
zombies go to sleep?
What's the only time a ghost can build a snowman?
kind of music to werewolves like the best?
you call a skeleton who won't do any work around the house?
the Cyclops have to shut down school?
kind of dance do graverobbers enjoy?
wide is a cemetery?
time is it when you are being chased by 5 hungry monsters?
the invisible man's wife never leave the house?
the worst thing about eating Godzilla steaks?
Count Dracula flunk out of art school?
asked the baby werewolf. "Is it alright to eat vegetables with your
"No," replied his mother. "You eat the vegetables first, then...you eat the fingers."
What is the Loch Ness monster's favorite meal?
What's Count Dracula's favorite holiday?
Dracula Jr. was running around the house chasing a man when his mother walked in
"Junior! How many times have I told you not to play with your food before you eat it?" she scolded.
ghosts make good cheerleaders?
who I'm defending?" said one lawyer to the other.
"The Blob. It seems the farmer is suing the Ooze Monster for eating his dog."
"Hmm?" replied the other lawyer. "The Blob won't win either case."
"Because he doesn't have a leg to stand on."
vampires say when they kiss?
happened when Dracula had a wrestling match with Hulk Hogan?
Godzilla eat Tokyo, pass by Rome, and then gobble up London?
you call a creature with 3 eyes, blue skin, 5 legs and big claws?
What do you get when you cross Count Dracula with someone who loves baseball?
What do monsters read to check up on future events?
would you get if you crossed the Invisible Man and a Hippo?
Dracula's favorite flavor?
kind of coffee does Dracula drink when he wakes up?
that soft, gooshy stuff between King Kong's toes?
Dracula's favorite sport?
inning is it when Wolfmen take the field?
many monsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
does a witch say to her broom before she goes to bed?
said the monster at the cemetery gate, "You can't come in here."
"But why not?" asked the Ghoul. "There's a party for Ghouls and I'm a Ghoul."
"Because no one is allowed to come without an engraved invitation."
a Ghost's favorite desert?
heads the Ghost Union?
airlines do ghosts prefer to fly on?
Where do ghosts go to get their hair done?
a demon's favorite snack?
kind of vegetables do ghouls like best?
sound does a chicken ghost make?
big city did the doctor tell Frankenstein to move to?
you call a one inch zombie?
the Mississippi River like a monster from Neptune?
you call dead sailors that plunder the seas a sunset?
Dracula's favorite ice cream topping?
monster wears a mask and is big and gray?
monsters always order at McDonalds?
ghosts wear on snowy days?
the fastest time in the Werewolf Olympics?
the one room in the house that ghosts avoid?
ghosts play tricks on each other?
do Australian ghosts go for a vacation?
the devil's picket line called?
was Dr. Jekyll's best friend?
don't witches own mirrors?
a Vampire's favorite drink?
ghost won Wimbledon?
Dracula's favorite movie?
a witch's favorite drink?
you get when a cannibal invites you to drop in for a meal?
do ghosts go on vacation?
does a vampire clean his house?
a ghost's favorite style of art?
don't cannibals eat missionaries?
song do ghosts sing to warn people they are around?
a ghost's favorite Beatle song?
did the polite ghost say to her son?
the fastest witch?
ghost ate too much porridge?
should fat ghosts do?
who haunt your Town Hall is called what?
the witch doctor propose to his wife?
famous werewolves gets?
did the vampire sing when he got cured of amnesia?
the vampire die of a broken heart?
romantic teenage vampires do?
type of people do most vampires like?
does a vampire use in his shower?
kind of card games don't vampires like?
a vampire's favorite song?
does a vampire say when he sees himself in the mirror?
a vampire's favorite fruit?
does Count Dracula like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
Did you hear the one about the vampire who was seen crawling through a desert screaming, "Blood! Blood!"
ghosts such bad magicians?
skeletons say before they start to eat?
witches use to style their hair with?
do baby ghosts stay during the daytime?
do ghosts shop for food?
you mend a smashed pumpkin?
the ratio of the pumpkin's circumference to it's diameter?
makes a skeleton laugh?
a monster's favorite play?
a monster's favorite romantic movie?
Bambi married a ghost, what would their kids be?
are ghostly cuts?
kind of cereal do monsters eat & what do they put on top?
Halloween Riddle: What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs
and goes quack!?
do spooks go sailing?
kind of sandwich do ghosts eat?
do mummies swim?
a ghost's favorite amusement ride?
mummies grouchy and tense?
did the goblin toss the football?
are ghosts favorite party games?
served at skeletal BBQ's?
baby ghosts wear on their feet?
a boy ghosts pick-up line?
What do cowboy ghosts wear?
What part of town do most ghosts live in?
What's a monster's favorite cookie?
the motto of the Harley Davidson skeleton rider?
What is Dracula's favorite subject to draw?
a vampire's favorite candy?
What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
When do ghosts eat cereal?
Italian ghosts eat?
Why do girl ghosts diet?
What song does Dracula hate?
Where does Dracula eat lunch?
do ghosts have coffee?
Why are monsters messy eaters?
What's a Mummies favorite kind of music?
Which monster loves to tap dance?
What does one ghost say to another when they're done haunting a house?
Why was the ghost arrested in the woods?
kind of makeup do goblins wear?
What New York building is Dracula's favorite?
Who is a famous ghost detective?
Where do most famous werewolves live?
where do most goblins live?
Who are mummy and deady?
What would you get if you cloned a black cat with a lemon?
What's band instrument do skeletons play?
vampires like baseball?
What does a vampire kiss like?
girl vampires flirt with boys?
Why don't most people like Dracula?
How can you tell if a vampire has been to Dunkin' Donuts?
Who writes to Dracula the most?
How do you keep Frankenstein from biting his nails?
Why does Dracula take cold medicine?
Where do most ghosts vacation?
witch's school, what are the 3 S'?
What are two witches who live together called?
Why did the ghost go into the bar?
Why do demons and ghouls hang together?
Why doesn't a mummy go on vacation?
kind of dog does Dracula have?
What does a vampire take for a cold and sore throat?
What do you call a witch's garage?
What is a ghosts favorite fruit?
What amusement park feature did Dracula go to and ask for his money back?
ghostly single's bar, what's their favorite pickup line?
did one ghost say to the other ghost?
Why can't a mummy be a good friend?
a vampire's favorite holiday?
What does the ghostly crash test dummy say?
What's a ghost's favorite drink?
a ghost favorite form of commercial transportation?
the vampire subscribe to the Washington Post?
happens when a ghost is lost in the fog?
false teeth and vampires have in common?
What is it called when a vampire's home needs repair?
you get when you cross a werewolf with a vampire?
kind of rocks does a ghost collect?
should a skeleton drink 8 glasses of milk a day?
Where do vampires keep their money?
Why did the Vampires lose their baseball game?
Why does the ghost go up and down on the elevator?
What does the zombie keep in his stables?
What's a ghosts favorite game?
sea monsters eat for lunch?
you call a monster with no neck?
did the skeleton give his girlfriend on Valentine's Day?
happens when a ghosts haunts a theatre?
What's Dracula's favorite candy?
What's a ghost's favorite candy?
What do you get when you cross a skeleton with a jar of peanut butter?
Why did the Cyclops quit teaching?
Kid: "Mommy, I don't like my teacher."
Monster Mommy: "Then leave her at the side of your plate."
dragons sleep during the day?
What's a haunted chicken?
What kind of dog does the mad scientist have?
you tell if Dr. Frankenstein is in a good mood?
How do ghosts, goblins, werewolves, vampires, zombies, witches and monsters learn to be so scary?
Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
What do you call a website for ghosts?
Where do ghosts learn to scream "Boo!"?
a ghosts favorite position?
Why did the little ghost rush home from school?
Why do ghosts and music have in common?
What branch of the service do ghosts serve in?
the ghost see a doctor?
What's a ghosts favorite music?
What do you call two spiders that just got married?
Where does a ghost refuel his Porsche?
Why can male ghosts make babies?
What do you call a merry-go-round for ghosts?
you call a Middle Eastern exotic dancing mummy?
What did the ghostly mechanic say to his client?
What do you get when you cross a werewolf with a polyester suit?
What happens when you think like a witch?
What food does a vampire eat that gives him heartburn?
What is as sharp as a vampire's fang?
What is a vampire's favorite sport?
psychiatrist for monsters is called?
a vampires favorite fast food?
What did the woodpecker say to the zombie?
What do goblins shop for?
What makes a witch nervous?
goes Snap! Crackle! Scream?
When is it really bad luck to see a black cat?
Three vampires walk into a bar. The waitress comes up and asks them what they would like to drink:
The first vampire says, (Transylvanian accent inferred) "I'll have a glass of O Positive."
The second vampire says, "I'll have a glass of AB Negative."
The third vampire says, "I'm the designated driver. I'll just have a glass of plasma."
The waitress turns toward the bartender and yells,
"Gimme two bloods and one blood lite!"
What do you say to a 3-headed monster?
What are the names of the werewolves other family members?
you get when you cross one mad scientist with another?
Which is the road less traveled?
What do ghosts drink?
What is the Ghost's Golden Rule?
Did you hear about the new Dracula Ken doll?
It bites Barbie on the neck.
What is Transylvania?
What salutation do ghosts or zombies use on letters?
Dracula afford to live in a castle?
What do you call a 500 lb. monster?
doesn't the Creature from the Black Lagoon ever go out and party?
1:"Did you hear that the Zombie is going to marry the Invisible
Monster 2: "I don't know what he sees in her."
many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. But she changes it into a toad.
Why is Dracula poor at writing poetry?
mummies use to rob banks?
Was Dracula married?
Why do skeletons hate winter?
kind of operation does a monster have?
Why do black cats never shave?
What happened to the witch who brushed her teeth with gunpowder?
What's a ghoul's favorite pickup line?
What do witch's drink to keep looking beautiful?
old Hippie ghosts do?
What does a troll have at the entrance to a bridge?
What was written on the politician's grave?
Why do principals like Halloween parties?
Why did the ghost cross the road?
Most Democratic Vampires support?
What designer clothes do mummies wear?
the vampire get fired from the blood bank?
time do vampires hate?
Why do vampire marriages last?
do ghosts buy their clothes?
Where does a witch get her hair done?
What do you call a friendly dead Egyptian?
Transylvania's national sport?
didn't the vampire sweethearts get married?
are monsters favorite bedtime story?
Why can't a vampire settle down and marry?
What type of insurance should you buy for haunted houses?
Dracula's favorite flavor of ice cream?
you get when you cross Dracula and Sir Lancelot?
What happens when a witch can't fly?
you call a pretty and friendly witch?
does a witch lose weight?
becomes of beautiful female monsters?
What do Hungarian monsters eat?
What do French monsters eat?
What do you call a 500 lb. witch doctor?
Why can't Frankenstein stay still?
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
What did the monster do when he lost his hand?
What kind of candy do ghosts, goblins and monsters never eat?
Where is the annual witch's convention always held?
What do near-sighted ghosts wear?
What is Beethoven doing in his grave right now?
What is the new Ben & Jerry's Halloween flavor?
Where does a werewolf
keep all his stuff?
How do ghostly artists celebrate Halloween?
If you combined October 31 + December 25, what would you get?
What do ghosts do in April?
What European capital has the biggest ghostly population?
What's a witch's favorite television show?
What did the man say when he say the long lost maniac?
What's the usual time for a vampire's dental appointment?
Why isn't it hard to clean a haunted house?
Why do ghosts give dull parties?
What is the biggest problem with twin witches?
Where do skeletons have their businesses?
What goes "Oob, Oob"?
What type of flowers to monsters give their girlfriends?
What happened to the monster's kids who took vitamins?
What kind of cars do ghosts drive?
What TV show do ghosts like to watch?
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
What do baby ghosts wear?
What's a ghosts favorite jazz band?
What's a ghoul's favorite fast food place?
Who is the main speaker
at a ghost press conference?
What do witches eat
when they're dieting?
How does a monster count to 12?
What does a monster
What does a mummy wear
What's a monster's
favorite subject in school?
What kind of car does a
What is a mummy's
favorite subject in school?
What game do monsters
like to play?
Why did the ghost blow
What wears a cape, has
fangs and is married to your grandpa?
Where do you go when
you want to buy a zombie?
What kind of clock is green and big, has fangs and yells at you to get up?
What does a ghost order in an Italian restaurant?
Who is the director of the best scary movies?
What do you call a pumpkin that works at the beach?
How do scary monsters say good-bye?
What kind of monster is
black and yellow and buzzes?
How did the invisible man's mother know when he was lying?
What do skeletons say to each other before going on a trip?
What does Barbie carve
Why did the ghost get kicked out of class?
Why couldn't the dog become a vampire?
What do you say when you meet a four-headed monster?
What brand of makeup does the Bride of Frankenstein use?
Where did the Bride of Frankenstein go to school?
Where do ghosts go on vacation?
What does a monster opera singer sing to warm up his voice?
When is the worst time to run into a black cat?
What do you call a haunted tent?
What does Frankenstein eat for breakfast?
Where does an explorer go on Halloween?
Why did the wolf girl stop dating the Invisible man?
What did the doctor say when the monster had a baby?
What does the witch have on her phone?
What has fangs and 102 floors?
Who signs the Invisible Man's report card?
What ghost always throws a lot of parties?
What did Frankenstein get in trouble for at school?
What kind of songs do ghosts like?
What do you call a duck that turns into a vampire?
What do cows like to watch on TV?
How do monsters like their coffee?
When do most vampires trip when walking?
What does a ghost do as soon as he gets into his car?
What sign does a monster put up when he goes to the lake?
What did Casper do after he graduated?
What do you call a zombie with a lot of kids?
What do you get when you cross Dracula with a snowman?
What wears a cape, has big fangs and is blue?
Why did the monster stay home sick from school?
What do you get if you spill food on your clothes on Halloween?
Why did the monster fail his driver's test?
What kind of exams would you get if a witch was your teacher?
Why did Dracula take a secretarial class?
Where does Dracula go on vacation?
What kind of music do ghosts like the best?
What type of beans do
werewolves like the best?
What do you call a goblin who gets too close to the fire?
Where does Dracula usually eat?
What do you get when
you cross Dracula with Sleeping Beauty?
Is cleaning a haunted
Why are ghosts' parties so dull?
What is a mummy's favorite music?
What should you say when you meet a two-headed monster?
What goes 'Oooob Oooob?'
What do you call a an
old senile vampire?
What type of candy will a zombie refuse to eat?
What is Dracula's
What do you get if you cross Lucky Luciano with a vampire?
Why do vampires go to Hollywood?
What do mother vampires put in their children's lunch boxes?
What happened to the fast witch on a slow broom?
What kind of cars do ghosts prefer?
Who are some cousins of the werewolves?
Which monsters sell cookies?
What would happen if you bit a ghost?
Which bats win spelling bees?
Why was the vampire a vegetarian?
What do you call an ignorant skeleton?
Why are so few ghosts in jail?
What hotels do werewolves prefer?
What is black, white, orange and waddles?
What flavor of ice cream is a vampire's favorite?
What do witches do on weekends?
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
What do you call a chilly, evil candle?
Where do monsters get their food?
What game show are ghosts a big fan of?
What do mummies do so you won't recognize them?
Which monster is safe to clean in your washing machine?
Why didn't the skeleton propose to his girlfriend?
Why did the ghost cross the road?
How does a monster count to 14?
Which dessert bar is a favorite of monsters?
Where do zombies go to swim?
What does a vampire hate the most?
When do ghosts usually appear?
Which trees do ghosts like the best?
What did the mother vampire say to her kids at supper?
What are a vampire's favorite snacks?
What do you call it when a cat uses up his nine lives?
What do you call a monster with no neck?
Why do black cats never shave?
What are List, Shubert, Brahms, Mozart doing in their coffins?
What brand of toothpaste to vampires prefer?
What is a dinosaur ghost called?
What circus act is the most popular with vampires?
What did the ghost say to the bartender?
Who lives in the Hundred Acre Wood?
Why do ghosts want only the best health foods to eat?
What happened to the ghouls who ate all their vegetables?
Where do most zombies live?
Why did the vampire eat that gave him heartburn?
How do you operate on a monster?
What do you get when you divide the circumference of your jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
What is Transylvania?
Where did Frankenstein plug in his computer?
What do skeletons fear the most?
What would you find on a haunted beach?
What did the goblin knock over at the football game?
What type of flowers do monsters grow in their gardens?
What flower do vampires like the best?
What did the ghoul order at McMonsters?
Which Shakespearean plays do monsters like?
Which Shakespeare play do vampires like?
THE 12 DAYS OF HALLOWEEN
On the first day of Halloween my true love gave to me an owl in a dead tree.
On the second day of Halloween my true love gave to me two trick or treaters, and an owl in a dead tree.
On the third day of Halloween my true love gave to my three black bats, two trick or treaters, and an owl in a dead tree.
On the fourth day of Halloween my true love gave to me four skeletons, three black bats, two trick or treaters, and an owl in a dead tree.
On the fifth day of Halloween my true love gave to me five scary spooks, four skeletons, three black bats, two trick or treaters, and an owl in a dead tree.
On the sixth day of Halloween my true love gave to my six goblins gobbling, five scary spooks, four skeletons, three black bats, two trick or treaters, and an owl in a dead tree.
On the seventh day of Halloween my true love gave to me seven spells are going, six goblins gobbling, five scary spooks, four skeletons, three black bats, two trick or treaters, and an owl in a dead tree.
On the eighth day of Halloween my true love gave to me eight monsters shrieking, seven spells are going, six goblins gobbling, five scary spooks, four skeletons, three black bats, two trick or treaters, and an owl in a dead tree.
On the ninth day of Halloween my true love gave to me nine ghosts a booing, eight monsters shrieking, seven spells are going, goblins gobbling, five scary spooks, four skeletons, three black bats, two trick or treaters, and an owl in a dead tree.
On the tenth day of Halloween my true love gave to me ten ghouls a groaning, nine ghosts a booing, eight monsters shrieking, seven spells a going, six goblins gobbling, five scary spooks, four skeletons, three black bats, two trick or treaters, and an owl in a dead tree.
On the eleventh day of Halloween my true love gave to my eleven masks a leering, ten ghouls a groaning, nine ghosts a booing, eight monsters shrieking, seven spells are going, six goblins gobbling, five scary spooks, four skeletons, three black bats, two trick or treaters, and an owl in a dead tree.
On the twelfth day of Halloween my true love gave me twelve bats a flying, eleven masks a leering, ten ghouls a groaning, nine ghosts a booing, eight monsters screeching, seven spells a going, six goblins gobbling, five scary spooks, four skeletons, three black bats, two trick or treaters, and an owl in a dead tree.
Count Dracula is walking down a street on a dark night when he feels a thud on the back of the head.
He looks down and at his feet is a sausage roll. He looks around but there is no one in sight.
He starts walking again and is hit on the head again . He looks down and at his feet is a scotch egg.
He starts walking again and thump he is smacked on the head by a baked potato as he falls to the ground his heart is pierced by a hand holding ten cocktail sticks.
As he is dying he sees it was a small shapely girl that killed him.
Who are you he cries with his last breath.
Buffet the vampire slayer comes the reply .
there a Halloween Joke you've heard we didn't list?
Feel free to email me with your Halloween joke!
(Email is at the bottom of our jump box)
Jokes come from various sources:
Hilarious Jokes for Kids"
by Jeff Rovn
Signet Books © 1990
Jokes for Kids"
by Michael Johnstone
Ballentine Books © 1987
The National Federation of the Blind © 1988
Holiday Ha-Ha's Halloween Jokes & Riddles" by Craig Yoe
Penguin Young Readers © 2003
Some I also heard on the radio WBIG 100.3 Some were told to me by kids or emailed.
And, well some I just made up.