Almost "just right" Crimes? :)

(No crime is a right crime!)

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Silly, Strange (but oh so real) Criminals

Excerpts from

"America's Dumbest Criminals"

by

Daniel Butler, Alan Ray, Leland Gregory

Copyright 1995

Published by Rutledge Hill Press, Inc.

(Warning: The Crimes You are About To Read Are True. The Names Have Been Changed To Protect the Ignorant.)

 I am presenting only a small portion of the true crimes from the above book. I have chosen the ones that I feel are humorous, and not too lengthy. There are many funny stories in this book and if you enjoy some of the excerpts here, I suggest buying it. Although I'm a pretty good and fast typist, no way do I want to spend my time re-typing books you can buy for yourself and share with your friends, family and later re-read again.

Laugh and Learn from others' mistakes.

DO NOT TRY TO COPY ANY OF THE CRIMES!

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This Page is Dedicated to Police Officers, Firemen, Emergency Care Workers, Counselors, Neighborhood Watch Volunteers, and whoever I forgot that help make the world a bit safer.

 

The World's Shortest Trial

Officer David Hunter, retired from the Knox County (Tennessee) Sheriff's Dept. tols us htis story of what might be the shortest trial in the history of jurisprudence.

At his criminal arraignment, the defendant stood before the judge.

"You are charged with the theft of an automobile," the judge said. "How do you plead?"

"He expected to hear a simple "guilty" or "not guilty." Instead, the defendant tried to explain his whole defense as succinctly as possible.

"Before we go any further judge, " the accused man blurted out, "let me explain why I stole the car."

The judge's decision was made in record time!

D.O.B.

Officer Glen Biggs of the Knoxville (Tennessee) Police Department had a close encounter of the dumb criminal kind when he was booking a suspect on a narcotics violation. A simple transcript of the interrogation tells it all:

Biggs: "What is your D.O.B.?"

Dumb Criminal: "What's a D.O.B., man?"

Biggs:" When's your birthday?"

Dumb Criminal: "May 5th."

Biggs:" What year?"

Dumb Criminal: "Every year, man."

It's The Law

In Sweden, it's illegal to drive on the highway if you have the flu--- because reaction time of people with the flu tested below those with alcohol in their systems.

Here, we have convictions for D.U.I. - "Driving under the Influence."

Are sickly Swedes in danger of being charged with D.U.W. - "Driving Under the Weather?"

Look Out! He's Got a Turtle and He Knows How to Use It!

It was a classic case of love gone wrong in Indianna. Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Girl doesn't.

In this case, she really did try to let him down easy, but he was distraught. He was fuming as he barreled out of her kitchen door and into the night.

The brokenhearted Romeo staggered through the fields in the throes of angst. Then he saw his weapon, seized it, and started back to his girlfriend's house.

In a rage, Romeo returned and chased his ex-girlfriend around the kitchen with a large snapping turtle. He was much faster than Juliet and he easily caught her in the small kitchen, but he couldn't get the turtle to bite her. Finally, Juliet managed to call the police. The officers arrived, dismarmed (deturtled?) the irate lover, and arrested him for assault with a reptile

 

The incident marked the definite end of one relationship, but the beginning of another. Juliet thought the big turtle was cute, and she was ever so grateful that he hadn't bitten her. The girl and the turtle are still together and living happily in Pennsylvania, according to the policeman who retold the story.

Bound for the Cooler

One bright spring morning in Lafayette, Louisiana, Louis Albright had the bright idea of robbing a branch of the local bank. Louis had an even more brilliant idea for a low-cost, low-fat, completely disposable disguise. He would cover his entire head with whipped cream.

A few trial runs indicated his idea would work beautifully. The foamy "mask" sprayed on quickly and was easily wiped off. It completely covered any distinguishing marks, even his hair color. And it tasted wonderful to boot.

Congratulating himself on his innovative idea, the human hot-fudge sundae walked into the bank and approached the teller. Unfortunately, the employees' response to his delicious disguise was just the opposite of what he wanted. The giggles were discreet at first, but when he said "Put all your money in the sack," the giggles dissolved into open laughter.

By this time the whipped cream was getting warm and beginning to slide. And the teller had long ago punched the silent alarm. Before you could say "banana split," the police arrived. The rapidly melting bank robber was quickly arrested and refrigerated downtown.

 

 Two-bit Thief

Rhode Island police were sure they had the right man when the suspect charged with a string of vending-machine robberies paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters.

Bare Truth

In a small town in Texas late on a Saturday afternoon, a small mom-and-pop store was robbed by a long gunman. The prime suspect was quickly spotted. In fact, everybody in town spotted him. They didn't even need a detailed description. The fleeing felon was running down the street completely naked.

But Ted Jowers had a great alibi ready for the police officers who stopped him. "I like to get in touch with nature when I jog," he told them.

Somehow, though, Ted didn't seem like the nature type -- or the jogging type, for that matter. The officers brought him in.

 

Ted finally broke down and confessed to the robbery. Then he explained to the police that he had stripped down to streak away after the robbery because he thought his clothes would make him more identifiable.

Ah, the ironic naked truth of the dumb criminal plan.

Big Mac Attackers

Retired Officer David Hunter of the Knox County (Tennessee) Sheriff's Department tells this story of two very hungry holdup men:

After an evening of partying and smoking dope, the two very high potheads decided that would kill two birds with one stone. They were broke, and they had the "munchies." So they agreed that the best thing to do would be to rob a hamburger joint. Armed with loaded shotguns, they burst through the door of the first place they came upon.

"Give us all the money," the dim-bulb duo demanded, "and a dozen hamburgers with everything to go!"

"I'll get you the money, man,"one frightened employee replied. "But, the grill's already been shut down. It'll take about 10 minutes to reheat."

"Do it," came the gunman's reply. "We'll wait."

Meanwhile, a passing motorist noticed that the two men sitting in the burger shack were holding shotguns. Suspicious indeed. The motorist phoned police.

"Here's your food," the shaking worker said.

The burger bandits grabbed the greasy sack and hit the door just as the sound of police sirens and squealing tires filled the night air. In their haste, they left the stolen money sitting on the table. Panicked, the two robbers ran across a highway, slid down an embankment, and tried to hide under a bridge, which is where the K-9 unit found them. The hamburger heist was over.

"What really got me mad," one man said to the other as they were being led away in handcuffs, "is that those dogs ate all our burgers. I didn't even get one bite!"

The officer responded, "You ought to be glad those are the only buns the dog bit."

Bad Luck Brown

Yet another story about the notorious Bad Luck Brown from Pensacola, Florida involves a time when this dumb criminal's bad luck almost changed.

One sunny afternoon Bad Luck Brown entered a busy liquor store with the intent of robbing it. Once he got into the store, however, there were too many people around for a real stickup, so he switched to Plan B. Fishing in his pocket for a piece of paper, Bad Luck scrawled a note to the cashier demanding money.

The cashier read the note and quickly handed over all the money in the drawer. He seemed to have pulled off his robbery with flawless precision.

Except for one thing.

When the police arrived on the scene, they found the holdup note used in the robbery. When they turned it over, they knew exactly who to go after and where to find him.

Bad Luck Brown had written the note on the back of a letter he had received from his probation officer--complete with his name and address. When the police tracked him down at home, they were able to inform him that his streak of bad luck was still intact.

It's The Law

In the 1980's, New York's nonviolent offenders were allowed to choose sidewalk sweeping or trash collecting instead of jail time.

Of the first 100 arrested, 97 chose jail time!

They all knew that jail was safer than the sidewalks of New York City -- probably cleaner too.

Life is Like A Pair of Brown Shoes

An immigration officer was sick and tired of dealing with illegal aliens who would pretend not to understand any English for several hours and then suddenly speak it fluently. So on this particular evening when the agent stopped a truck filled with thirty illegal, he decided to try something different.

"Do any of you know English? Habla Ingles?"

Every head shook no, and every face looked very quizzically at the frustrated officer.

"Okay, well, look, I'm really tired of this. I'm gonna shoot you all; and, I'm going to start with the people wearing brown shoes."

As the officer drew his pistol, three men looked down quickly at their feet. They quickly and gladly accepted the role of translator for their group.

Don't Pull That One On Me

Although excuses for speeding are more numerous than pocket protectors at a slide-rule competition, this excuse just didn't add up. When an officer clocked a woman driving in excess of 20 mph over the speed limit, he pulled her over.

 

He leaned into the driver's side window and observed the female driver of the car clutching painfully at her jaw. She mumbled to the officer, "I'b just cum from da dntest an wud goink homb ta git ma med-cine."

After about 10 min. of painfully slow translation, the officer finally deduced that the woman was speeding because she needed pain medication after a long session with her dentist. For some reason, the officer just wasn't buying her story.

"Maybe I better run a check on your license," the officer said, setting his bait. "I seem to remember a woman with this name who was wanted in an armed robbery."

The woman's eyes grew huge and indignant, and her mouth flew open. "Why, I have never been so insulted in all my life. How dare you accuse me of being a common -------"

Then her hand flew to her mouth as she realized she had spoken very quickly and very articulately ... that the officer had not likely overlooked her very rapid emergence from the effects of the Novocain. She was right.

The officer gave her a "tibket!"

Name Brand Robbery

A woman who walked into a Mid-Am Bank in Bowling Green, Ohio and demanded money from the three tellers inside didn't seem like much of a threat at first. She didn't brandish a gun or threaten anyone with violence according to Bowling Green Police Chief Galen Ash. (There were no customers in the bank, just the tellers and one bank officer.) She was just an average-looking middle-aged woman, with nothing really desperate or criminal about her appearane or demeanor.

But then, suddenly, the stakes went up. The woman repeated her demand for money and brandished a small hand-held device. She claimed it was a radio remote control that at the touch of a button would detonate a car bomb outside, leveling the bank and killing them all. The bank employees glanced nervously at one another. It was not a thrat to be taken lightly....or so it seemed.

Suddenly, one of the tellers grew surprisingly and defiantly bold. "I'm not giving you anything," she said as she walked out from behind the counter to confront the would-be bank robber. This courageous teller was quickly joined by her two associates, who jumped this woman, wrestled her to the ground, and held her there until the police arrived.

What made the tellers think that the woman wouldn't detonate a bomb?

According to Ash, "I think their first clue was when they saw 'Sears' on the end of the garage door opener."

A Robber With A Lemon

The Greenback Bank has been robbed many times over it's eighty-year history, but the staff will never forget one particular robber. He wasn't particularly bright or very violent, but he did have a remarkable car.

The robber came in with a pistol and demanded money. The tellers smiled pleasantly, complied with the robber's demands, watched which way the robber turned and then called up the road to warn the gas station attendant. The gas station attendant saw the car speed by and called ahead to the police department who promptly arrested the suspect.

Actually, it might not even have mattered which way this robber turned. Although the crook was surprised at how quickly he was apprehended, no one else was.

As the officer said, "It's not every day you see a 1961 Red Edsel that screams Arrest Me!"

There were only two cars like it in the entire state.

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