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When a Sunday school teacher was talking about Christmas and the coming of Christ, she asked, "What was Jesus's mother's name?"
"Mary", they all replied.
But one little fellow raised his hand, "Virg"
"Virg? Where did you get that idea?"
"Well, " answered the boy, "they always talk about the "Virg n' Mary."
Another teacher was telling her class the story of Lot. "Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and she was turned to salt." She then looked around the class and one little girl had her hand raised.
"I was wondering, " she said, "what happened to the flea?"
An art teacher in a Maine elementary school also taught Sunday school. She had the little ones draw pictures of bible stories. Little Emma proudly presented her picture of the journey of Bethlehem. The drawing showed an airplane flying over the desert. In the passenger area were seated Joseph and Mary and little Jesus.
"The drawing is fine," said the teacher. "but who's that up front flying the plane?"
"Why that's Pontius the Pilot," answered Emma.
When another teacher asked her student why there was a dog in the nativity drawing, the artist explained that it was a German Shepherd. That dog has been joined in the gallery of Sunday-school portraiture by a grinning bear with crossed eyes --- Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear, of course.
Besides boys and girls drawing misinterpretations of the bible, they also rewrite the Bible's history. Here is what happens to some of the bible stories when retold by the young scholars:
The bible is full of many interesting caricatures. Michael Angelo painted them on the Sixteen chapels.
The first five books of the bibl are Genesis, Exodus, Laxatives, Deuteronomy and Numbers. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of crfeating the world, so he tok the Sabbath off. Adam and Ever were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son? My punishment is greater than I can bare."
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. He built an Ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day but a ball of fire by night. Saddam and Gomorrah were twins.
Abraham begat Isaac and Isaac begat Jacob and Jacob begat 12 partridges. God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Abraham took Isaac up the mountain to be circumcised. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother Esau's birthmark. Esau was a man who wrote fables and sold his copyright for a mess of potash. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his 12 sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of apostles. He slayed them by pulling down the pillows of the temple.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make beds without straw. Moses was an Egyptian who lived in a hark made of bullrushes. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavend bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses when up Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is humor thy father and mother. The Seventh commandment is thou shall not admit adultery. The Ninth Commandment is thou shall not bare faults witness.
Moses ate nothing but whales and manner for 40 years. He died before he ever reached Canada. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing he liar. He wrote psalms. They are called psalms because he sang them while playing the harmonica. David also fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Later came Job, who had one trouble after another. Eventually, he lost all his cattle and all his children and had to go live alone with his wife in the desert. Then came Shadrach, Meshack and To Bed We Go, and then Salome, who was a wicked woman who wore very few clothes and took them off when she danced before Harrods.
When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manger wrapped in waddling clothes. In the Gospel of Luke they named him Enamel. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus wrote the "B" Attitudes and enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained"Man doth not live by sweat alone." Jesus was crucified on his way to Calgary. It was a miracle when he rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the oppossums as St. Mathew, who was by profession a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony. The natives of Macedonia did not believe in Paul, so he got stoned.
Other Christians were condemned to death in large groups. They entered the arena to face wild lions, singing hymns of praise in the name of the Father, the Son, and In-the-Hole-He-Goes. The Romans went to the coliseum to watch the Christians die for the fun of it. But as Mel Brook says, "the meek shall inherit the earth."