"just right" Crimes? :)
crime is a right crime!)
Brownielocks and The Three Bears
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Silly, Strange (but oh so real)
Daniel Butler, Alan Ray, Leland Gregory
Published by Rutledge Hill
(Warning: The Crimes You are
About To Read Are True. The Names Have Been Changed To Protect the Ignorant.)
I am presenting only a small portion of the true crimes from
the above book. I have chosen the ones that I feel are humorous, and not too
lengthy. There are many funny stories in this book and if you enjoy some of
the excerpts here, I suggest buying it. Although I'm a pretty good and fast
typist, no way do I want to spend my time re-typing books you can buy for
yourself and share with your friends, family and later re-read again.
Laugh and Learn from others' mistakes.
DO NOT TRY TO COPY ANY OF THE CRIMES!
This Page is Dedicated to Police Officers, Firemen, Emergency
Care Workers, Counselors, Neighborhood Watch Volunteers, and whoever I forgot
that help make the world a bit safer.
World's Shortest Trial
Officer David Hunter, retired from the
Knox County (Tennessee) Sheriff's Dept. tols us htis story of what might be
the shortest trial in the history of jurisprudence.
At his criminal arraignment, the
defendant stood before the judge.
"You are charged with the theft of
an automobile," the judge said. "How do you plead?"
"He expected to hear a simple
"guilty" or "not guilty." Instead, the defendant tried to
explain his whole defense as succinctly as possible.
"Before we go any further judge,
" the accused man blurted out, "let me explain why I stole the
The judge's decision was made in record
Officer Glen Biggs of the Knoxville
(Tennessee) Police Department had a close encounter of the dumb criminal kind
when he was booking a suspect on a narcotics violation. A simple transcript of
the interrogation tells it all:
Biggs: "What is your D.O.B.?"
Dumb Criminal: "What's a D.O.B.,
Biggs:" When's your birthday?"
Dumb Criminal: "May 5th."
Biggs:" What year?"
Dumb Criminal: "Every year,
In Sweden, it's illegal to drive on the
highway if you have the flu--- because reaction time of people with the flu
tested below those with alcohol in their systems.
Here, we have convictions for D.U.I. -
"Driving under the Influence."
Are sickly Swedes in danger of being
charged with D.U.W. - "Driving Under the Weather?"
Out! He's Got a Turtle and He Knows How to Use It!
It was a classic case of love gone wrong
in Indianna. Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Girl doesn't.
In this case, she really did try to let
him down easy, but he was distraught. He was fuming as he barreled out of her
kitchen door and into the night.
The brokenhearted Romeo staggered
through the fields in the throes of angst. Then he saw his weapon, seized it,
and started back to his girlfriend's house.
In a rage, Romeo returned and chased his
ex-girlfriend around the kitchen with a large snapping turtle. He was much
faster than Juliet and he easily caught her in the small kitchen, but he
couldn't get the turtle to bite her. Finally, Juliet managed to call the
police. The officers arrived, dismarmed (deturtled?) the irate lover, and
arrested him for assault with a reptile
The incident marked the definite end of
one relationship, but the beginning of another. Juliet thought the big turtle
was cute, and she was ever so grateful that he hadn't bitten her. The girl and
the turtle are still together and living happily in Pennsylvania, according to
the policeman who retold the story.
for the Cooler
One bright spring morning in Lafayette,
Louisiana, Louis Albright had the bright idea of robbing a branch of the local
bank. Louis had an even more brilliant idea for a low-cost, low-fat,
completely disposable disguise. He would cover his entire head with whipped
A few trial runs indicated his idea
would work beautifully. The foamy "mask" sprayed on quickly and was
easily wiped off. It completely covered any distinguishing marks, even his
hair color. And it tasted wonderful to boot.
Congratulating himself on his innovative
idea, the human hot-fudge sundae walked into the bank and approached the
teller. Unfortunately, the employees' response to his delicious disguise was
just the opposite of what he wanted. The giggles were discreet at first, but
when he said "Put all your money in the sack," the giggles dissolved
into open laughter.
By this time the whipped cream was
getting warm and beginning to slide. And the teller had long ago punched the
silent alarm. Before you could say "banana split," the police
arrived. The rapidly melting bank robber was quickly arrested and refrigerated
Rhode Island police were sure they had
the right man when the suspect charged with a string of vending-machine
robberies paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters.
In a small town in Texas late on a
Saturday afternoon, a small mom-and-pop store was robbed by a long gunman. The
prime suspect was quickly spotted. In fact, everybody in town spotted him.
They didn't even need a detailed description. The fleeing felon was running
down the street completely naked.
But Ted Jowers had a great alibi ready
for the police officers who stopped him. "I like to get in touch with
nature when I jog," he told them.
Somehow, though, Ted didn't seem like
the nature type -- or the jogging type, for that matter. The officers brought
Ted finally broke down and confessed to
the robbery. Then he explained to the police that he had stripped down to
streak away after the robbery because he thought his clothes would make him
Ah, the ironic naked truth of the dumb
Retired Officer David Hunter of the Knox
County (Tennessee) Sheriff's Department tells this story of two very hungry
After an evening of partying and smoking
dope, the two very high potheads decided that would kill two birds with one
stone. They were broke, and they had the "munchies." So they agreed
that the best thing to do would be to rob a hamburger joint. Armed with loaded
shotguns, they burst through the door of the first place they came upon.
"Give us all the money," the
dim-bulb duo demanded, "and a dozen hamburgers with everything to
"I'll get you the money,
man,"one frightened employee replied. "But, the grill's already been
shut down. It'll take about 10 minutes to reheat."
"Do it," came the gunman's
reply. "We'll wait."
Meanwhile, a passing motorist noticed
that the two men sitting in the burger shack were holding shotguns. Suspicious
indeed. The motorist phoned police.
"Here's your food," the
shaking worker said.
The burger bandits grabbed the greasy
sack and hit the door just as the sound of police sirens and squealing tires
filled the night air. In their haste, they left the stolen money sitting on
the table. Panicked, the two robbers ran across a highway, slid down an
embankment, and tried to hide under a bridge, which is where the K-9 unit
found them. The hamburger heist was over.
"What really got me mad," one
man said to the other as they were being led away in handcuffs, "is that
those dogs ate all our burgers. I didn't even get one bite!"
The officer responded, "You ought
to be glad those are the only buns the dog bit."
Yet another story about the notorious
Bad Luck Brown from Pensacola, Florida involves a time when this dumb
criminal's bad luck almost changed.
One sunny afternoon Bad Luck Brown
entered a busy liquor store with the intent of robbing it. Once he got into
the store, however, there were too many people around for a real stickup, so
he switched to Plan B. Fishing in his pocket for a piece of paper, Bad Luck
scrawled a note to the cashier demanding money.
The cashier read the note and quickly
handed over all the money in the drawer. He seemed to have pulled off his
robbery with flawless precision.
Except for one thing.
When the police arrived on the scene,
they found the holdup note used in the robbery. When they turned it over, they
knew exactly who to go after and where to find him.
Bad Luck Brown had written the note on
the back of a letter he had received from his probation officer--complete with
his name and address. When the police tracked him down at home, they were able
to inform him that his streak of bad luck was still intact.
In the 1980's, New York's nonviolent
offenders were allowed to choose sidewalk sweeping or trash collecting instead
of jail time.
Of the first 100 arrested, 97 chose jail
They all knew that jail was safer than
the sidewalks of New York City -- probably cleaner too.
is Like A Pair of Brown Shoes
An immigration officer was sick and
tired of dealing with illegal aliens who would pretend not to understand any
English for several hours and then suddenly speak it fluently. So on this
particular evening when the agent stopped a truck filled with thirty illegal,
he decided to try something different.
"Do any of you know English? Habla
Every head shook no, and every face
looked very quizzically at the frustrated officer.
"Okay, well, look, I'm really tired
of this. I'm gonna shoot you all; and, I'm going to start with the people
wearing brown shoes."
As the officer drew his pistol, three
men looked down quickly at their feet. They quickly and gladly accepted the
role of translator for their group.
Pull That One On Me
Although excuses for speeding are more
numerous than pocket protectors at a slide-rule competition, this excuse just
didn't add up. When an officer clocked a woman driving in excess of 20 mph
over the speed limit, he pulled her over.
He leaned into the driver's side window
and observed the female driver of the car clutching painfully at her jaw. She
mumbled to the officer, "I'b just cum from da dntest an wud goink homb ta
git ma med-cine."
After about 10 min. of painfully slow
translation, the officer finally deduced that the woman was speeding because
she needed pain medication after a long session with her dentist. For some
reason, the officer just wasn't buying her story.
"Maybe I better run a check on your
license," the officer said, setting his bait. "I seem to remember a
woman with this name who was wanted in an armed robbery."
The woman's eyes grew huge and
indignant, and her mouth flew open. "Why, I have never been so insulted
in all my life. How dare you accuse me of being a common -------"
Then her hand flew to her mouth as she
realized she had spoken very quickly and very articulately ... that the
officer had not likely overlooked her very rapid emergence from the effects of
the Novocain. She was right.
The officer gave her a
A woman who walked into a Mid-Am Bank in
Bowling Green, Ohio and demanded money from the three tellers inside didn't
seem like much of a threat at first. She didn't brandish a gun or threaten
anyone with violence according to Bowling Green Police Chief Galen Ash. (There
were no customers in the bank, just the tellers and one bank officer.) She was
just an average-looking middle-aged woman, with nothing really desperate or
criminal about her appearane or demeanor.
But then, suddenly, the stakes went up.
The woman repeated her demand for money and brandished a small hand-held
device. She claimed it was a radio remote control that at the touch of a
button would detonate a car bomb outside, leveling the bank and killing them
all. The bank employees glanced nervously at one another. It was not a thrat
to be taken lightly....or so it seemed.
Suddenly, one of the tellers grew
surprisingly and defiantly bold. "I'm not giving you anything," she
said as she walked out from behind the counter to confront the would-be bank
robber. This courageous teller was quickly joined by her two associates, who
jumped this woman, wrestled her to the ground, and held her there until the
What made the tellers think that the
woman wouldn't detonate a bomb?
According to Ash, "I think their
first clue was when they saw 'Sears' on the end of the garage door
Robber With A Lemon
The Greenback Bank has been robbed many
times over it's eighty-year history, but the staff will never forget one
particular robber. He wasn't particularly bright or very violent, but he did
have a remarkable car.
The robber came in with a pistol and
demanded money. The tellers smiled pleasantly, complied with the robber's
demands, watched which way the robber turned and then called up the road to
warn the gas station attendant. The gas station attendant saw the car speed by
and called ahead to the police department who promptly arrested the suspect.
Actually, it might not even have
mattered which way this robber turned. Although the crook was surprised at how
quickly he was apprehended, no one else was.
As the officer said, "It's not
every day you see a 1961 Red Edsel that screams Arrest Me!"
There were only two cars like it in the
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